Pain and Collars

Last Saturday, @Domworks offered me his collar, and I accepted it. His wife picked it out for me. It is very simple, soft leather, and I love it. I wear it all the time, even at home and school. I only remove it to shower or get massages. 

I have hardly talked about it though. You may wonder why. I don’t. I know.
My happiness is hurting two other people. This is exactly what I was trying to prevent when I asked @Dom2U2 to release me. Everything was discussed. Everyone said they understood. An agreement was reached. I only wish logic could prevent hurt feelings and resentments though. *sigh* It doesn’t. 

The logical thought that I can not control other people’s thought and feelings doesn’t always keep their pain from affecting me either. My happiness hurts them: It hurts me to hurt them: Therefore my happiness hurts me. Feelings suck sometimes. I remind myself that if I could completely turn them off and walk away though, it *would* make me a total cunt. Most of the time that helps… but I am not going to stop trying to be happy in my own life. 

So I have been enjoying myself, even if my online persona has been subdued. I have been spending time with my new Sir, his wife, and his friends. Whether is a completely vanilla, crowded, busy social event; or one of many quiet moments at his home, I am loving it! And them. And him. It was one of those ‘quiet moments’ that inspired this post.

Sir and his wife were sitting by the fire yesterday morning. We were all talking. I had been kneeling in my spot, between them on the floor with the dogs, but now I was up rubbing Sir’s shoulders. She asked him to change the battery on one dog’s electric fence collars and he started doing just that.

“It is better to use fresh batteries anyway. She is very stubborn. It is impossible to know when the charge dips below the dog’s tolerance level until she does run the fence. And she would.”

Oh. Shit. I tried to freeze my thoughts and intentionally closed my mouth. It was another one of those “Wouldn’t it be evil if…” moments. The ones I usually blurt out. I held it in. But it was only a matter of time… I started to back away. I wasn’t fast enough.

“We’re going to test it on the slut because, well… why wouldn’t we?” Sir stood up, shoved the electric prongs down my pants, grabbed my arm, and started walking me out to the fence line. The invisible fence line. His wife and the dog chose to watch from the warm interior.

As we got to the point where I knew the dog stopped every time, I started to struggle even though there was no pain. He let me go. Out came the camera, and I had to explain my situation. Take 1. He backed up, and told me to run the fence line.

I began walking toward him, hesitantly. It won’t kill me, right? It probably couldn’t hurt that much, otherwise it would be cruel to the dog. Nothing happened. I got several feet beyond where the dog stops. I thought I might be wearing the wrong shoes and wasn’t grounded. I am not going to get shocked at all. I picked up the pace. I got cocky.

Zap!

In case you were wondering, fuck yes it hurts! My only instinct was to run. I was stuck in a pool of electricity with live wires in my pants. The closest way out was one step back, but my task was to get to the other side. And him. After an internal conflict with my survival instinct, and what I am sure was quite an amusing dance, I ran forward until it stopped. And then some more, just for good measure. My reward was a hug. It was more than worth it.

He removed the electric collar from my pants. “Too bad. Look, the collar’s red light is on. I must have put in another weak battery. And I forgot to actually film that part. We will just have to do it all over again.” He pulled me back across the yard and went back in for a fresh battery in a sealed package this time. Back in my pants it went.

 I was more reluctant on this walk back to the fence line. I came to a dead stop where the dog always did, even though I now knew I had several more feet. Take 2. I redid my video introduction and began walking toward him, following him as he backed away. I walked slowly, carefully, reluctantly. This one is stronger. It is going to hurt more. Each step I waited for the pain. Each step I got closer. The collar never went off. There was no pain. My reward was another hug.

He removed the electric collar and fiddled with it. He showed me the green light on it. He walked it to the fence line. The sound indicated it was working. “You’ll just have to do it again.” Come to think of it, I am not sure if there was a green light on the collar when he put it in that time. Did he turn it off to intentionally make me think I was going to hurt myself knowing I couldn’t?

So now with a fresh battery, and extra care to make sure electric post placement was optimal, I had to cross the line one more time. Take 3. It is going to hurt. It will pass. Just keep walking. Nothing happened again. I was already almost to him. Just as I was about to say something…

ZAP!

Let me tell you, there is no way to not try to immediately run away from that kind of pain. He wasn’t standing just past the fence line. He was standing on it. I ran across the zone of pain. Anything to make that pain stop! But then, laughing and still reeling from the pain, I turned back toward him, rushing to him for my hug. By then he was back inside the fence line. I was on the outside. I needed to get to him still. I rushed back blindly, straight into the electric fence again. 

In hindsight, I know I could have simply removed the electric collar, but I wasn’t thinking that way. I don’t care. I need to be in his arms. I will take any pain for that… otherwise I will just be stuck on the outside looking in.

ZAP!

I got that hug. It was worth it all.

It is funny how I connect things in my life inside my mind sometimes. I never know what lessons I will learn, and how. Although I now flinch at the fence line every time I cross it, I wonder at what point in this story I stopped talking about the *electric* collar…

And for those of you that enjoy seeing me in pain and/or laughing, here is Take 3:

Sinful Sunday

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