“Tonight I want you to tell me what this punishment means TO YOU… and what you’ve gotten out of it so far.”
I am writing this out because it helps me think. I am sure I will ramble.
I told you the other day I am a masochist. If I didn’t feel your punishment was harsh enough for the actions I called ‘unforgiveable’ I would punish myself. I need this. I’ve been working on trying to like myself again, but I still keep beating myself up about it.
I have said many times that I feel your punishment is fair. At first it was too easy. I despised myself. I had no interest in cock, or even sex, at all. No cock? No problem. I can wallow in a cesspool of self-hatred for a bit, and then shut down. Work. Sleep. Repeat. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like myself in zombie mode. I still hide there when hurt, but I am hiding there less often.
I might still be there, but I have been able to spend time outside with my kids, and because of that some pesky neighbor forced me to pull myself out of my personal pity party and laugh.
No cock? Houston, we may have a problem. This punishment just got a whole lot more torturous. I even turned up the heat. Well, at least parts of me woke up again, even if I am still not able to get myself off.
In the meantime, I’ve hated myself less. I have really enjoyed the time I have spent with You and pet. There are still hurt feelings all around, and I found myself running and hiding in zombie mode a few times again. But I have been using that safe, non-confrontational place to process my thoughts. I have been… no, we all have been… confronting misunderstandings and working through them, so I haven’t felt the need to hide much lately.
By hide, Sir, I want You to understand that I am not afraid. Or keeping anything from You. I am ashamed. I don’t deserve any less. In fact (in my mind, at that time) I deserve a whole lot more. I should be kneeling in a corner facing the wall. I should be publically displayed, naked, humiliated, forced to witness what I can’t have…
Oh, wait… we did that one already…
I did get pissed at first. I told You that after. It wasn’t fair. It was too cruel. Fuck that. If I hadn’t shut down, I would’ve been an emotional wreck very quickly.
I said “Yes Sir.” Even pissed, I knew I wanted to serve You, to have you know I am Yours. I almost lost You. I will not allow that to happen again. I love You.
I spread my legs, furious, and rubbed my clit and pussy as ordered in front of all those people. You barely acknowledged me while pet got to suck Your cock. I refused to watch, and You didn’t tell me to.
You never ordered me to cum. At first I was determined that I wasn’t going to just because of that simple fact. Then it made me sad to realize that even if I wanted to cum, I wouldn’t have been able to. Some part of my mind still won’t let me.
Then it was purely punishment. I wasn’t angry anymore. I deserved it. I would’ve rather been beaten. I would have rather been Hitachi tortured without release.
Wait a minute… When did any of this ever become about anything I wanted?
“I earned this punishment myself… I agreed to its terms… Sir has been more than fair…”
I am a sub. I am Your sub. You wanted me to play with myself. I wasn’t allowed to suck Your cock. Letting me do so wouldn’t be right. Pet was going to make you cum. That’s really all that matters…
That surrender was a release for me. All of the negative feelings churning inside were gone. After You came and had me stop, I ended up curled in a ball smiling. Then we talked about where I was at while You held me in Your arms. And You allowed me to sleep on the floor at Your feet. That was perfect. Thank you Sir.
What does this punishment mean to me?
It means You are giving me what I need to get past this. You aren’t punishing me to make Yourself feel better. I know that. I need it. To forgive myself. I need to struggle. I need to get past it. If I don’t, I can’t ever feel proud of myself around You again. Or pet. I need to prove something to both of you, but most importantly, to myself.
What have I gotten out of it so far?
I have (I hope) gotten past the self-hatred. I have gotten past my own stubborn pride. I can honestly tell You “I don’t need this” has come up in my thoughts more than once in the past month, but that’s a lie. I DO need this. I need You. I need pet. I would’ve told you that before any of this happened, but now I KNOW it so much more deeply.
Ironically, I am actually proud of myself. I haven’t whined (much), or begged you for time off for good behavior. I have simply accepted your decisions. I haven’t been begging for orgasms. I have asked when the need to try was strong enough. Twice, I believe. It is worth the wait.
I have never made it this far before. Even with the hot, flirty neighbor tormenting me (mostly in my own mind), and my normal slutty thoughts kicking back in, I know I can do this. There is no real danger of me faltering. I feel good about that. I feel really, really good about that.
I was again reminded that the subby mindset can provide clarity when I can’t focus otherwise. Being Yours gives me strength. This one is hard to explain. It just is.
As the days go on, I am sure I will have struggles. I will feel alone at times. The timing of our schedules will cause frustration. I will have bad days. We all will. But it will pass. I am sure I will get much more out of this before it is all done.
I love You Sir. I am Yours. All of this is worth it.
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