Anger is a Secondary Emotion

I got very angry last Friday. Actually my exact words were “Really surprised & happy to fucking emotional meltdown in 2.5 seconds. I hate the female brain sometimes. Shutting up & hiding car keys.”

I really hate becoming angry over things that in the great scheme of things, are not really important at all. This was one of those things and I knew it.

I was subdropping, my parents were due the next day and I was dreading that, and I was tired… but I knew these things too. I had been combating that mood all day and was winning the battle after a beautiful day at the lake with my girls and a wonderful chat with Sir.

A perfect end to the day was seeing a message from someone I had been wanting to hear from. The message was not for me. It was an accident.

I lost it.

Even as my logical mind was reminding myself of all of the facts above, my “female brain” as I refer to the illogical side was spewing out hateful thoughts, conspiracies, and revenges. The car keys were a very real danger in that frame of mind. It would have been a short drive. My “I deserve an answer right now” urge was strong, and it took a lot to fight that. I actually had to take an Ambien to kill it.

I am glad I did. A good sleep, and talking it out with Sir next day helped. No, I wasn’t mad at him. He was just the only unfortunate victim of the fury. We had been chatting when I saw the message. Thank goodness he is both patient and persistent.

If I had never worked as a counselor or taught anger management I would have made that drive. I would have vented everything in the middle of the night. I would have felt better. I would have had whatever justice I felt was due to me.

Over something that really doesn’t matter at all.

Instead I looked below the surface, beneath the anger, and acknowledged the hurt and confusion there. I let it out. Then I let it go.

Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. A primary feeling is what is what is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else first before we get angry.

We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger.

As the drawing below illustrates, anger is like an iceberg in that only some of the emotions are visible. The other emotions exist “below the water line” where they are not immediately obvious to outside observers.”

So why bring this up if it wasn’t important and I’m over it? Because I’m afraid it may not be over. Tomorrow night I may see this person I got so angry with. If I do, I will also see my #1 anti-fan.  They chose to come to this event knowing I would be there.

I can be an adult and I can be civilized. I mean no ill will to either of them. Or I can walk (well, scoot or use crutches) away from any confrontation from my anti-fan. But this is a public event. It is pet’s birthday weekend. I do not want anything to spoil anything for her.

I do hope my own personal stalker does read this before tomorrow evening. If so I can deliver this message to her now… “You win. Seriously. It was never even a battle in my eyes. It’s not worth it. Enjoy your victory.”

That cock has already been replaced.

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