New Year, New Beginnings

I feel like I have been a very bad blogger. Other than my Wanton Wednesday posts (which I have missed for the past two weeks) and my Fucktoy Friday posts (which I didn’t do last week), I haven’t really written anything about myself since November 22nd. That’s when so many things changed in my life. The past six weeks or so have been a roller coaster. So many things good and bad happening, so many changes in my life. And things continue to change. Coming into the new year, I have no idea which direction this side of my life is heading. I do know, however, that it will continue to be amazing.

A quick summary of the past couple of months is probably in order. After four months following my being released from Sir where I avoided anything that might resemble a relationship, I decided that I did want that commitment, that connection with someone. I needed a primary Dom and discovered I already knew the perfect one for me. Someone I could allow myself to grow closer to, explore ourselves together with, and I was happy. That was short lived, though, when real life events stepped in and he chose to give up the lifestyle for now at least. That left me stunned and alone again. Or so I thought at first.

In the mean time, another one of his subs, T, started serving my old Sir. She and I had connected very strongly while seeing P, and we became good friends. Our exploration of BDSM had so many parallels, it seemed we were fated to meet. Then we became more. I don’t even know how to define what she and I have together, but sometimes it doesn’t matter.

As T’s relationship with her new Master (my old Master and friend) developed, I was happy for them. The possibility of me serving him as well came up, but at a price. Even if I wasn’t going to see him, continuing to see her had the same price. He owned her now. I had to stop fucking around. No more gangbangs, no more multiple Doms. I had to be tested for STDs (clean). I agreed to those conditions. Everything was good again.

Life is often cruel, and real life stepped in again. Now Sir had to make a choice and T was left in limbo while he contemplated his choices. The hurt she felt and the thoughts she had were way too painfully familiar to me. I had just been through it with him a few months earlier. So we waited. I was able to share my experiences with her, and help her through this rough time. In the process, T and I grew even closer.

During those long weeks, I began to explore other aspects of myself with T. I discovered I loved topping her. I began to explore inflicting pain, and learned that I liked it. I still had hope that I would be able to learn more about these new things under the guidance of Sir, who is remarkably talented in those areas.

So still without any men in the picture for me since P, and now with her in limbo, we waited. And talked, a lot. We saw each other. And waited more. Finally Sir made his choice, and T was released.

After finally deciding to allow my heart back into my sex life, then having it stomped on twice by events beyond my control, I would have figured I would lock it back up again safely behind its wall. But I haven’t. For me allowing myself to truly, completely put all of myself out there can hurt. But I can only be truly happy when I do. Don’t get me wrong, fuckbuddys and random sex are still wonderful. But I want more. Even before I knew what it was, I have always been poly.

So now going into the new year, I am changed. I am not just a sub. Or a masochist. I am not just a switch, or sadistic. I am all of those, and more. I am able to be caring and willing to give more of myself to T and any other special people I meet. I want that. I need that. And I want to find more people to be myself completely with. Life is good, and I am enjoying this adventure.

In the mean time, there is random steamy, hot sex to be had! A week from tomorrow is my “Letting the slut back out” Gangbang party. And I am sharing it with T. What an amazing start to a new year of endless possibilities!

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One Response
  1. hubman38 says:

    While BDSM isn't my thing, I've enjoyed getting to know you and following along on your journey, and look forward to continuing to do so!

    You forgot something else that you are- matchmaker! 🙂