Owned… Still…

Friday morning waking up in the arms of my girlfriend was wonderful. We went out to smoke and were giggling about the fun we had the night before (double ended dildos, her bucking me off the bed, and us ganging up on P… so much fun!) and talking about all the wonderful sexual possibilities we have both discovered with BDSM. She mentioned a man she was considering seeing, someone she had talked to online. It only took me about two seconds to realize she was talking about my former Master, *that* Sir.

That doesn’t bother me at all. We are still good friends, and talk almost daily. I have never been the jealous type. In fact I am very excited for her! I immediately gave him the highest possible recommendation I could and completely guaranteed her safety. He is such an amazing Dom and lover, as well as a good man and friend! I think every woman should have the opportunity to serve him. Then I giggled and pulled out my phone. I sent him a message informing that his potential new sub and I were sleeping together with her helping me phrase it well. Then I gave him my highest recommendation for her, too. She is an amazing lover as well.

Friday and Saturday she and I chatted about all sorts of things, not just him. But yes he was in the conversation too. She mentioned the “draw” she felt for him from his emails and chats. Oh, I know that draw well! I do not want to ruin this experience for her in any way. And oh, what an experience she is going to have! It will change her world! So I asked her not to read my blog again until after she met him. Too many hints here. I also said I may not answer some of the questions she has about him. No spoilers!

He and I chatted, too. She came up in the conversation. I told him I would not spoil his experience with her either by giving him any inside information. (Not like he would need any hints from me anyway.) Then we chatted about other things.

This morning, after I finally got on the ferry following a two hour delay, I saw he was online and sent my usual “Good morning Sir”. He and I started chatting about our normal stuff. He asked if my ass was red knowing I had spent last night with P. I grinned and said it wasn’t and teased back that P isn’t a Sadist like he is.

We talked for a bit about my need for pain, and how I was craving going back to the sadist in Tacoma but hadn’t been able to yet. I taunted him again by saying how much more extreme the other man is, and how I must have maxed out his limits of delivering pain. (I was the most masochistic sub he has ever had, and I am still seeking my limits for pain.) His response to that taunt was “I don’t know.” Still enjoying the playful banter I told him that I guessed we would never find out.

“Oh, never say never.”

Those four words sent a chill through my body. Very literally. I even messaged “*shiver*”. I didn’t need to, he already knew. That “pull” that he has reached out and grabbed me through my phone, as real as his hand around my throat. He continued by describing some ideas he already had for using us both, as if it had already been decided.

With those four words, our conversation had instantly turned from a chat between slut and mentor- friends- to Master and slave. 

I played coy, saying that the idea was intriguing, but that I wasn’t sure. The thought had already crossed my mind. What’s not to be sure about? A hot kinky threesome with two amazing lovers? I had never even considered turning down such an offer before, so why now? Why the hesitation on my part? Because it is *Him*.

I did not choose the word slave lightly here. He owns me, body, mind and soul. He always will. I have never tried to deny that, and have admitted it on this blog and to him. That complete, all-encompassing devotion I felt (feel) toward him scares me. It scared me when we were seeing each other. I absolutely do not have the ability to say no to him for anything, ever. It has been there from the instant we met. I never have been, nor will I ever be a slave to any man, except Him.

I had a complete (well documented) emotional meltdown when it was time for our sexual relationship to end. It was time, though, and we both knew it. His desire to find someone to settle down with conflicted with my desire to fuck the entire planet. Our relationship didn’t really end, though. Just the sex. It has evolved. We can talk about anything now, and do. He is often the first I tell about my adventures, or ideas for them. And he gives me honest, caring, often blunt feedback. I could not ever imagine not having him as part of my life now. But I also can not imagine not having the freedom I do now.

All of these thoughts and a flood of emotions were spinning around in my head when he questioned my “not sure” comment, checking in with me. I simply replied “Who am I kidding?” Certainly not him! And I couldn’t even lie to myself. It had already been decided, before he even mentioned it. If he had even hinted he wanted me to kneel right there in the ferry, I still would have without hesitation and sent him a photo as proof. I can deny him nothing.

I am thrilled. And terrified. I have always kept good fuck-buddy relationships with former lovers before. But he is so much more than that.

I will go see him again. He will touch me. I will kneel down, and I will serve Him.

I do not know what that will do to me.

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One Response
  1. iSlut_ says:

    Thinking out loud on Twitter today:

    Just virtually knelt down and offered myself to him. Can't fight it. I want to be completely in his power. I belong there.

    No matter what I do, it's gonna hurt. Do I want less pain, no pleasure? Or lots of pain with insane pleasure? Not talking the good pain here

    Realized it doesn't matter what I think or feel. I will crawl to him. Inevitable if he asks me to.

    I didn't do this, I would regret it for the rest of my life. The “lesser” pain.

    The choice isn't mine. It was already made, and I have agreed to it.

    Realized I would probably give anything for one more night with Him, and here it is, handed to me on a silver platter.
    My recent post Owned Still