And just like that…

Twitter status update:

“Gonna go cry for a bit…”

I am feeling bleak right now. Lost and alone.

I knew I would need to talk to someone after after hearing the inevitable from P on the phone today. Not any surprises. Once again I turned to the one I can talk to about anything… *that* Sir… first.

ME: Hmm… and just like that i am suddenly Dom-less.
M: What? He found another slut?
ME: no. he is deciding to stop playing. i know all of his reasons and i agree with it. nothing to do with me at all.  issues with his extended family too. not sex. his business. a good choice in my opinion.  i must admit i am sad for me.
M: This is the sadist?
ME: no. this is the one i met t thru. the sadist isn’t a dom
M: P?
ME: yes
M: Hmm he will not being seeing slut t either?
ME: no. he hasnt told her yet Sir. dont say anything. she will understand his choice as well
M: The answer is yes then.
ME: then yes. i will miss him. i feel a bit lost
M: Sorry
ME: gonna go cry for a bit Sir.
M: I am sorry slut!!
ME: all things end. i still pick san diego. 😛

A while later I sent

ME: i just sent her a copy of this conversation, so now she knows. i also sent:  “once again i go to M first when i need a friend. if that isnt a recommendation for my ex, nothing is!”

His response:

M: I will leave her be for a while.
ME: thank you Sir
M: Your welcome slut. I will ease the pain some *evil grins*!!
ME: promises, promises… ;P (seriously, that made me smile. thanks again.)
M: I know it did slut!!

Her response:

t: *hugs* thank you for sending this. im a little teary right now…..trying to figure out what to say and i cant put it in words right now.

My response to both:

ME: still gonna go cry some more. i need to.

At least I am not alone in my pain. I have friends I can rely on for support, in real life and online. And I still have P. We will talk often, but he needs a friend too, much more than a sub for a while.

Still letting all of these feelings flow through me. A chat with another friend later:

C: Hey there… is everything OK?
ME: blogging
C: Sorry to hear about the “breakup” (or whatever it is we call it)
ME: thanks.
C: cry your tears today. Find more adventure tomorrow.
ME: always more. just a selfish sadness
C: It’s a fine sadness. One to be expected
ME: it will pass. someone had asked me what i wanted on formspring what i wanted for xmas. i knew the answer but didnt want to type it. i wanted *that* Sir, even if just one more time. P has been a roadblock for that (not intentionally, just my feelings about them both.) now i can have what i want but this is NOT the way i wanted it.
C: hmm
ME: careful what you wish for
C: This is when knowing yourself becomes paramount. that is: would “one last” end up being better or worse given the circumstances
ME: P was also a buffer for my feelings about Sir
C: how do you mean “buffer”? Shoulder to cry on? sanity check? advice?
ME: yes. something to go back to as well
C: place to vent? yup
ME: an anchor to keep me from getting lost in Him again
C: Well, I’d say that there’s never going “back”… just “going to next”
ME: i know. just everything making my eyes leak right now
C: yup. let it go
ME: i am with her. she knows everything and is suffering the same loss
C: It seems to me that, in poly, relationships come and go more frequently, but they’re also less traumatic when they do. if you had only one person, losing them would be earthshattering
ME: well, its not like a breakup. just life circumstances getting in the way.
C: Poly spreads the load around
ME: and more hugs
C: yes. and more potential for escapism play. “beat me until I forget about him”
ME: not losing him at all. just like I never lost Sir. just not sleeping together. that makes me feel selfish for being so sad.
C: don’t be
ME: sad or selfish? lol
C: don’t feel bad about it at least. feeling bad about feeling selfish. feeling selfish is natural. now, if you were acting out on it so that it hurt other people… that would be entirely different
ME: no. even “sucked it up” on phone with P
C: but this is a shock to the system; you’re allowed to have a dark moment
ME: more crying is in order. too late. already started.
C: 🙂 Let it out
ME: ttyl. thx.
C: You’re welcome. IM me whenever you feel like a chat.
ME: :*
C: *big hug and kisses*

Twitter status update:

*curls up into a little ball of selfishness, grieving*

After crying myself out… started tweeting again…

On a brighter note, I just requested the 4th off from work for an orgy.

Just made hotel reservation that night for me & my girlfriend. Got two queen beds, just in case we needed the extra room after the party…

Those two things were already on my “to do” list for today.

My other friend J and his sub (my other gf) will be there too. I guess life isn’t totally sucky… Just wish P could be there as well.

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Thank you.
One Response
  1. Dustin says:

    I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well. At least everyone involved is on the same page and there are no hard feelings towards one another. The orgy should definitely help relieve some of that sadness and get you back on track.

    On a happier note, hope there's pics. 🙂
    My recent post XDustinEFLX- @VanillaDeVille- Love your avatar pic You have beautiful eyes