I have noticed a lot of relationships breaking up lately. I know it’s not like people haven’t been breaking up all along. I just didn’t notice it until I went through it myself. When I was with Sir, I was blissfully ignorant of these things. It didn’t affect me because it wasn’t happening to me.

I realize that sounds horribly self-centered. And it probably is. I remember, though, when I was pregnant noticing how many other pregnant women there were. It seemed like everywhere I went there were big bellies like mine, and we shared a common bond. My awareness was heightened. There were always pregnant women out there, but I just never really noticed now how many.

It is like that for me now with broken-hearted women. My awareness is still very heightened. I know what they are feeling. I feel it with them. I have cried with them. I understand the devastation, the total loss of self-identity, the huge empty void, and the meaninglessness of everything that is part of losing “Him”.

We are all very different, the reasons are never the same, the relationship dynamics are unique. But it does not matter whether is was D/s, M/s, vanilla, etc. The feelings are the same. This is one bond, quite honestly, I wish I did not share. But I do. When I was in the very depths of despair, other women reached out to me and gave me much needed support. I will always be grateful for that. And I now do the same. I said to one woman recently that I was truly amazed at the support of this community.

Pretty depressing post so far, huh? But it’s not all sadness and tears. I have noticed other things, too, as I have moved on and began healing. There is hope. The others I have followed, as well as myself, did move on. Not at first, and some faster than others, but the pattern seems to be very similar.

First, of course, there is the grieving. The pain, tears, anger, and despair after giving so much devotion. Wanting to curl up in a ball and just die. The wondering and the “if only” thoughts. Wanting to run away from it all. Feeling like there will never ever be anyone at all that can bring smiles, laughter, and joy. Not even wanting to try because the pain is too unbearable.

Next there are no more tears. There is just numbness. Existence. Nothing else. But stuff still needs to get done. Jobs, bills, kids, etc. do not wait. Life does go on. So we start to move, grudgingly dragged out of our comfortable numbness and the walls we built for ourselves.

Those first steps back into life are very tentative, shaky, and scary. It’s not like we are looking for anything, anyway. Surprisingly, it’s not so bad. Occasionally smiles happen, or maybe even laughter. There is still pain, and not the good kind. A song, a scent, or a phrase can still send us scurrying back in tears to our safe place. But each time it goes away. Each attempt becomes easier. After a while, any tears that might come are just simply wiped away. Any fleeting sadness is accepted, but does not cause a retreat.

Then comes the question “What now?” There is still a void. For the submissive woman, even those in vanilla relationships, there is something missing. There were so many wonderful things with Him. But now, come to think of it, maybe a couple of things could have been different. We know what we want (sort of), but we also know what we will not tolerate. And there even might be a few things we have always wanted to try. Now there is no one telling us what we can and can not do.

So now there is a new freedom. And it’s not like there is a shortage of men that are looking for submissive women. But we are not newbies anymore, no longer easy prey. All of a sudden the realization that we hold the power happens. God help the wannabe Dom that thinks he deserves to be the next one to boss us around! If and when we ever truly give ourselves again, that man will have to earn it. Until then, let the playing begin! There is, after all, no reason that we still can’t have parts of what is gone. But now it is on our terms.

An empowered submissive. It sounds like an oxymoron. But these women, who learned and grew in their (often first) relationship as a sub have now emerged from their cocoons forever changed. They are delicate, and beautiful, and free. They are butterflies now.

For Christie. Big hugs!
Also for @badbadgirlx and @SubmissveWhore. Aren’t these new wings great? 😉
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2 Responses
  1. Patient Heart says:

    i too, went through a difficult end to (my first) D/s relationship. the loss was profound. i discovered my nature in this relationship and to lose the One who brought me to understanding was shattering. But you are right…slowly we emer…ge. We learn. We grow. I often say that unless one discovers and faces the dark there ican be no true appreciation of that which is light. So true in this case. Who I thought was the 'perfect' Dom was in reality (of course) not. He only trained me as far as He was willing. He refused to take me deeper. i knew there was more in me, yet i had no idea what.

    in time i did meet someone new. One who completes my understanding. One who has allowed me to realize my full identity and embrace it, as His slave. There is much i can say, but let me just say this: when we think all is lost, it is wise to remember that there is always a different 'all' to gain. We need to grieve when a relationship ends. But we also need to wake up, each day, and smile that little wry smile of knowing. Of knowing that regardless of whether we are 'spoken for' we have a beautiful gift inside. A gift no one can take from us. A gift not to be given lightly or haphazardly. We are treasures.

    my time alone brought me a new sense of self, a more resolute desire to choose carefully when given opportunity to serve and a more clear outlook on my nature. Instead of being content to be defined (and limited) by someone else unsuitable for me, i learned the value and empowerment of my identity.


  2. Christie says:

    Thank you Laurie…that was very sweet, and such a treat to read this morning. Yesterday was a very black day, and I am almost glad that I didn't get to read this until this morning when things seem so much less bleak, and while I am calm and somewhat more able to absorb your words and really hear them. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Big hugs back, and I know that each day the pain will lessen, and one day it will only be a memory.