I said to a friend the other day that I have never submitted to anyone but Sir. I have always been submissive, and have been submissive with other men, but she was confused. What’s the difference? How is it different with Sir? Both very good questions, but I was at a loss to explain. The questions stuck in my mind.
If a man is sexually dominant with me, I naturally respond submissively. (Specifically a man I am attracted to- not just any guy off the street.) I have always enjoyed rougher sex, hair pulling, etc. I love to be used by a man, and my reactions usually leave no doubt to him that I like what he is doing. I generally turn into a sexual animal. A very loud animal. God, I love that feeling! But my responses are physical. My mind is still my own. I am allowing it to happen, and if any line is crossed, I will quickly snap back and assert myself. No matter how many times I have cum. I joke around, am a bit of a smart-ass, and may even put up playful resistance.
Sir dominates me. All of me. He has from the very first physical contact we ever made. It felt like lightning had struck me, and at that instant he claimed me, possessed me. His gentle, but firm voice is as effective as his hand in my hair. We do joke around and have fun, but when he raises an eyebrow, or even hints that he has had enough, it’s enough to put me back in my place. Instead of resenting it, I crave it more than anything else at the time.
There is absolutely no mental resistance. It still stuns me. My physical responses with him are amazing, but the mental responses (and yes, sometimes emotional ones too) are unique. My mind is his when I am with him, there is no questioning. He has earned my trust, and knows my limits, but he has crossed lines. He has broken a few soft limits. I asked for more. He has pushed some hard limits, and I have not stopped him. He stopped me. I once told another friend that if he brought out a knife and said he was going to slit my throat, I would lift my chin to allow him better access. With him, I go beyond reason. I go beyond the capability to even form human thoughts.
Thinking about, and now writing this, even I can see that this sounds dangerous. I sound like an addict. But I know he will not harm me, no matter how much he physically hurts me. I wish I knew what it was that makes Sir different for me. Even after all this time he can scare the holy hell out of me and inspire complete trust instinctively at the same exact moment. Is it the chemistry between the two of us? Is it his skill? (I have told him he should write a book. I am not the first.) I have stopped questioning it for myself, but every now and then I wish I could explain it to another. Maybe someone reading this can explain it.
Does this mean that I do not ever want anyone else? No. The slut part of me is just as strong. I am still attracted to others. My poor husband sometimes doesn’t know what hit him. I wanted to attack the man tiling the floor today at work. After (even during) great sex I have always wanted other people. I have told Sir that. It is worse with him.
On the way home from seeing Sir, I have to be very careful not to sit near any men on the ferry. I dare not make eye contact. I can not hide the raw, primal lust seething inside of me. I can pick up the scent of a man near me without even knowing he is there. And my body responds to the scent. The residual effects of losing myself with Sir are very strong, and last for a while. Usually, though, by the time the ferry docks, the men around me are once again safe. That instinctive animal survival mode time actually fascinates me.
Can I explain this? Apparently not, still. Does it scare me? Yes, but it excites me as well. With other lovers, I have loved the woman I am with them. And I have always been different with each. With Sir, I love and fear the creature I become. And I love his seemingly effortless control over it. So far it has been an amazing adventure, and it has still only just begun.