Is It Really Love (Or Am I Just Doing My Job)?

I have disobeyed Sir a lot this week. Without going into details of what or why, he is not talking to me. It is definitely not anything bad against Sir. I have earned anything and everything I get. 

I have seen discussions on punishments for masochists on FetLife because pain isn’t as effective with us. Well, let me tell you, the silent treatment is, for me at least, a thousand times worse than any physical pain his Sadistic mind could have come up with. Leaving me to my own thoughts and emotions knowing how disappointed he is in me is very effective. No one on Earth can be crueler to me than I can to myself.

To say I have been emotional is a gross understatement. I have been a barely functioning, bawling, not sleeping or eating, lunatic, zombified basket case. And I have done it all to myself. I can do a really good job of destroying myself. Again I do need to state that Sir has done nothing wrong. In the midst of this definitely-less-than-rational state of mind, I have been emailing him begging forgiveness and pleading for him to talk to me. This goes against his direct order to basically just shut up and wait until he is ready to talk to me. (Strike two… and three… and four… and so on…)

In one of those emails, I told Sir that I am in love with him. Before anybody congratulates me, this is not a good thing. For all I know right now, that simple sentence may end our relationship. I don’t know. This might be the worst thing I have done all week.

Our relationship has been Master/submissive, not romantic. He told me several months ago that he wanted to maintain that distance because he did not want to have another married woman fall in love with him. I know who he is talking about, and although they are still friends, they no longer play. He has never said it, but he loves her as well. I can see it when he talks about her. It hurts him still, and he doesn’t want to go there again. I promised then that I wouldn’t. I had no doubt, and actually preferred that kind of relationship. I am married, and love my husband dearly. I have loved other lovers, and it hasn’t been an issue for me, but if it is for Sir, then I respect that.

When I wrote that email, I was breaking another promise to him. I am on a roll. I am by no means talking about leave-my-husband-have-to-be-with-him-at-all-times-forever love.

When talking with one of my friends today, she was trying to understand how I could say I loved Sir. She was listing her various definitions of what saying that would mean to her. She asked if I wished he would return the feeling. My answer was no. I want to keep things the way they are (were?).

Then I asked her to please define love and, if possible, to find any one thing in her definition that would not also be a requirement of a good D/s relationship. She was not able to. Neither was I.

So the question came up. Am I really in love with Sir, or am I just doing my job as his sub? Hmmm…. interesting thought.

So what is love? No one has ever been able to answer that completely, and the answers are very individual. But I thought I would look it up.

From Webster’s:

•    strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
•    attraction based on sexual desire
•    affection and tenderness felt by lovers
•    affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
•    warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
•    unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
•    an amorous episode : love affair
•    the sexual embrace : copulation

in love
•    inspired by affection

Sounds like pretty desirable feelings for a sub to feel toward her Master.

Some other definitions I found:

•    Love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul.
•    A very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship.
•    Said to have three components in the book of psychology: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.

Still sounding like what I feel when submitting to Sir.

Alright then, what should a good sub feel? Again, a very individualized opinion, but I found these:

•    Submitting means you truly give your all. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. This is not true, though. True submission means going above and beyond…giving until it hurts. It does not mean giving all of yourself physically and then holding back the rest.
•    A good sub is willing to give herself completely to her Master in mind, body & soul. She knows that her Master will give her what she needs most in order to make her feel complete and give her a real sense of purpose.
•    A good submissive slut is not just willing to give herself completely, but enthusiastic about it.

I do love him. Not in a romantic way, though. I do not think it would have ever been possible for me to have the connection with Sir that I do (did?) without feeling these feelings. I would have never been able to so completely give myself to him. These feelings are not romantic, they are submissive. For me at least. I hope he can understand that.

Only time will tell if I have completely fucked up something so totally awesome or not. Even before the mention of love, I deserved to lose him, and I haven’t forgotten that. So now, in the mean time, I will shut up… and sit… and wait… as long as it takes… and hope he contacts me. 

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