Fifty Things I Have Leaned So Far This Week

     1.       I brought this on myself. Whatever happens, I cannot ever allow myself to forget that.

    2.       Sir has earned my trust and loyalty. He has never done anything to betray me.

    3.       I do not have the right to insist that Sir does what I want when I want. He is the Dom. (Big duh, huh? I forgot that.)

    4.       When Sir first asks me nicely, then orders me to wait, I should wait.  

    5.       I wanted Sir to get mad at me. Yell at me. I was trying to absolve my own guilt. By not doing so, he has forced me to think about it, and learn from it.

    6.       Not trying to talk to me when I am an emotional wreck is smart. I am a female. I would somehow try to twist and manipulate things. (Ask my hubby about that one!)

    7.       As much as I still truly hate the silent treatment, this is probably the best thing Sir could have done.

    8.       I spend way too much time looking for hidden meanings in what he did say. (Damned female brain!)

    9.       He never said he didn’t want to talk to me. Just that he did not want to talk to me until after his vacation.

    10.    Just because I am feeling like the worst person on the planet, and total scum of the earth, doesn’t mean Sir hates me. (He might, I don’t know, but he did not say he did.)

    11.    In a very emotional state I do not think logically. (DUH!)

    12.    No one looks at you strangely if you are crying in an airport.

    13.    Whether I am mad at someone else, or mad at myself, I say things before I think. I have always realized this… after the fact.

    14.    Writing helps. Writing what I am thinking and feeling allows me to organize the jumble inside my head.

    15.    Writing when in an emotional state can be very therapeutic, letting out some of the feelings onto paper, kind of like a pressure relief valve.

    16.    Writing a letter to the person the feelings revolve around can be a very good idea. (I have recommended it to my substance abuse patients many times.)

    17.    Actually sending the letter(s) while still in this very emotional state is a very, very, very bad idea. (I have also told my patients this.) Always re-read, revise, and edit for quite some time. If it is done properly, often there is no longer any need to send anything.

    18.    I can give really good advice. I just don’t follow it.

    19.    I can always make a bad situation worse.

    20.    Not sleeping or eating will mess up my mind even more.

    21.    It is not a bad thing to be given a tranquilizer at work to be able to eat, sleep, and function.

    22.    Good friends are awesome. Even if they really don’t understand.

    23.    This is (was?) not a vanilla relationship. He is my Master.

    24.    Thinking about this from a submissive headspace instead of a “normal” way has been very helpful.

    25.    I am the sub. I willingly chose to give Sir all of my power, and have loved every minute of it.

    26.    Sir will release me if and when he chooses to. He owns me, again by my choice.

    27.    I cannot ask him to release me just because I feel like shit about myself.

    28.    I am still free to walk away at any time if he gives me good reason to. He never has. I don’t think he ever could.

    29.    I do not want to lose Sir.

    30.    I forgot my place.

    31.    This is not about sex. (That was a big shocker to me.)

    32.    This is not about pain.

    33.    This is about submission.

    34.    This is about serving Sir. My Sir.

    35.    This is about the way only Sir can make me feel.

    36.    Kneeling and breathing (as silly as it sounds) can be very meditative. Just like at Sir’s I can feel the “crap” lifting off my mind. (Unfortunately not to the same extent as with Sir, but has been very helpful.)

    37.    I can serve Sir without his presence or his orders.

    38.    I am still learning what it means to be a submissive.

    39.    I am not the worst person on the planet and total scum of the earth.

    40.    I have been a good submissive to Sir.

    41.    Sir is an outstanding Master.

    42.    This silent treatment and waiting is not my punishment. That is yet to come if he so chooses.

    43.    Any punishment Sir decides upon will be well deserved.

    44.    I will accept any decision Sir makes.

    45.    Some people in this lifestyle reminded me to live up to the commitment I made whether it hurts or not. Even more so when it hurts because it has the potential to make the bond stronger.

    46.    Some people in this lifestyle think that Sir is wrong for not talking to me. It is not their way and I can respect that they might mean well.

    47.    I have discovered a fierce loyalty to Sir when someone mentions things he is “doing wrong”.

    48.    Sir has done nothing wrong. His reason for waiting was because of his children. They should be more important than me.

    49.    Masturbation is not even appealing at all right now..

    50.    Sir has become a very important part of my life, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

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